The Slippery Slope with Aging Parents

by: Betty Macpherson-Veitch, BSW, RSW, President of Aging at Home

An elderly friend of mine had some severe health concerns a few years ago.She admitted to me that she recognized she was in trouble, but she was concerned that if she admitted this to her children, she might end up losing her independence.

She expressed her anger at her situation, because she had always taken good care of herself. I asked her if she felt like she was starting down a “slippery slope.” “Yes, very much,” she replied.

How can you tell when your parent or friend needs help?

As we age, our physical capabilities, body functioning abilities and mental abilities change. Many people compensate for these changes by developing coping strategies that help them to continue to feel in control. For example, many older people, due to deteriorating eyesight, don’t drive their cars after dusk. However, a parent who shows signs of lessening confidence can indicate that they are starting on a slippery slope. For instance, when your parent is refusing to go to activities she once enjoyed or she isn’t taking care of herself, it may be time for you to get concerned. If your parent seems more confused or forgetful, be attentive to what may be happening.

Sometimes, we see changes happen very quickly. Perhaps the last time you saw your parent, she was managing quite well. This week, you discover she seems quite confused, or she remarks that she got lost going to a place that she has been many times. She may also seem to be having a great deal of difficulty remembering people she has known for a long time. (I remember my father-in-law not recognizing the daughter of an old friend whom he hadn’t seen for a year but whom he had known very well.)

If you notice a sudden change, follow up; it may be reversible if treated immediately. A change can be caused by such things as depression, medication interactions, changes in sleep patterns, eating leftover food that has been in the fridge for weeks, or increased isolation after a spouse dies or goes to a long-term-care facility.

Why is your elder reluctant to share health news or information with you? We live in a society that values independence and choice. Just because we are aging doesn’t mean that the value we place on these two things changes. As long as we are mentally competent, we have the right to make our own decisions—whether those decisions are good, bad or indifferent.

Most people are used to having and want to have control of their own lives. Having control makes us feel strong and independent and gives us a sense of mastery that is important to our self-esteem and emotional wellness. Our sense of pride, which comes from caring for ourselves, can diminish severely when we have to turn to others for assistance.

It is a very human response for aging adults to fear both the increased loss of their independence and the interference by their children. We expect this behaviour in teens who believe that they have the answers and who don’t want their parents to interfere. Our aging parent has felt that he has had the answers for many years. Why should he want someone else—especially his younger children—to interfere? Because dad feels as if he is losing control of his own life, he is far more likely to perceive others to be taking control.

Remember, relationships with family members are loaded with biases, emotional history and ways of managing relationships. As a result, it can be difficult for your parent to allow you to help or even let you see that part of him. It can also be very uncomfortable for you as an adult child to experience your parent’s vulnerabilities and to respond as an adult rather than as a child.

Sixty-seven per cent of those making changes believe they’ll be able to stay in their homes 10 years longer because of the changes. Source: AARP

When should you intervene? Often, when elderly adults start to get into trouble, a family will notice increased trips to the hospital or receive calls about falls that their parent has had. They may also receive phone calls from a neighbour or friend indicating their own concerns. Either of these situations can be the first signs that things are not going well.

A family member needs to intervene when she or he sees a parent acting in a way that is not normal, when a parent doesn’t seem to be coping as usual, or when behaviours don’t fit with the required action.

Getting a parent to open up depends on how fearful she is of the consequences and how able she is to recognize the implications of her behaviour. It is vital to show your parent that you are not there to take away her rights. You simply want to support her to remain in her own home with a good quality of life. It may take several conversations over a long period of time before you and your parent understand that you are both on the same page. It has taken time for your caregiving situation to develop; it will take as long or longer to resolve it.

When should you let a parent live at risk? I believe that every individual lives at risk at times. We all make decisions that other people question or even suggest that we do differently. As long as any individual is competent, we need to allow that person to make her own decisions. We may help by providing our parents with resources such as information or telephone contacts, but we really can’t change what they choose to do with these resources.

If we examine the implications of a risk, we may see things differently. For instance, a parent who moves to a long-term care facility may still fall. Living in her own home may mean she is alone when she falls; however, if she has a device such as Life Line on her wrist or around her neck, she can quickly get help. As well, she will continue to enjoy living in her own home with all its memories and familiarity.

If an individual can make his own decisions and chooses to live at risk in the last years of his life, why should you intervene? Whose peace of mind are you really worrying about? Is it yours or is it your elderly parent’s? Why not encourage your parent to use the resources that can support him in his own home. Also, a gift of your time given on a regular basis can both support your parent in his own home and give you the opportunity to assess just how well he is managing.

This article is available for DOWNLOAD from our website.

—

Opal Rowe is founder of Nowhere Like Home, one of the most active and respected home care service providers in the Greater Toronto Area. Nowhere Like Home takes the complexity out of home care, and makes the transition easy, convenient and flexible for seniors and their family. Contact Opal TODAY to get a no-cost evaluation of your senior-care needs.